To her, with love!

There is something intriguing about the night. Whether it’s the darkness or the silence, I do not know. What I do know is that it generates feelings which you thought had long subsided beneath your seemingly impervious exterior. It was one such night when I was returning to Mumbai from Pune by road after spending a rejuvenating weekend. It was raining and the ever beautiful Lonavala-Khandala looked even more breathtaking through the mist clad window panes. With growing darkness, my mind started raking up events which I thought I had comfortably forgotten.

Of all girls I have known she came closest to my concept of a “lady”. You might sometimes come across an equally or even prettier face, but the purity in her eyes, the innocence in her smile and the elegance with which she carried herself made her beauty stand out. My heart invariably missed a beat at every sight of hers; my usually talkative self was left speechless on hearing her; her giggles used to light up my dull moments; her playfulness made me forget all my worries. She was the one for me. Only, I realized this too late. There are some relations whose value you understand only when you start missing them. Infact, I might have never realized this but for that thought-provoking night. All I can do now is wonder what went wrong. I can only blame myself--my confused self came in the way and unknowingly I hurt her to the extent which could never be healed. When she asked for commitment I thought I was not ready; when I got ready she was no more there.

Now I find the distance too large to be bridged. Still I feel inexplicably jealous and angry when I find anybody trying to get close to her. I know I am only being stupid for I have long lost all my rights to be possessive about her.

Those around her look like they are constantly conspiring to erase any memory of mine that might still exist. But nothing can make me forget the lovely moments we spent together. I doubt sometimes whether she even remembers any of those. She pretends as if she does not but I know they have to be there somewhere within her. I hope another night works the same way for her as it did for me.

I understand it is too weak and naive for me to expect some miraculous night to do it for me. An effort has to be made; and knowing her, the effort has to be huge. So far my ego has always played the villain and suppressed any motivation to act. I seriously doubt whether I would ever be able to overpower my inner demons.

Or, may be I shall just wait for another such night, as I did all these months, to turn all my doubts into a willingness to make amends.